It is the year After Colony 195. Five incredibly gorgeous yet hormonal gundam pilots are sent to fight against the United Earth Sphere Alliance. However, due to the machinations of the incredibly brilliant yet kooky leaders of Oz, these five heroes may be forced to expose themselves for the glory of the colonies...
Episode 1: The Whereabouts of Underwear
"Damn you, Trieze." Duo Maxwell looked over the specs again. There was no doubt about it; the former commander of Oz had really gone overboard with this little creation. He read on. " ‘I hope that Epyon’s flaws may be corrected with this device. As the system overwhelms the pilot with visions of the future, the corresponding travel to the past may allow him to correct his mistakes and retain control.’ "
Quatre shook his head. "That makes no sense. The energy inputs are too high. You wouldn’t be going back a few seconds. It could be a few years into the past. And because physics accepts only one linear past for any one moment, time would be bent in such a way as to create a parallel universe!"
Duo, Heero and Wufei stared at Quatre, working out his words. Trowa made an affirmative sound. Duo suspected the quiet pilot was really just as confused as they were.
"So what’s wrong with that?" Wufei looked over Duo’s shoulder, despite Heero’s territorial grunt.
Duo scrolled down. "This."
The Chinese pilot read. " ‘...given Heero Yuy’s usual choice of clothing, we have miniaturized the device so that it is adequately concealed from detection. It cannot fall into Romefeller’s hands,’ yes, yes... ‘adequate ventilation...contact with skin.’ " Wufei looked up. "Treize wanted Heero to wear blue mesh bikini briefs."
There was a brief silence.
"It says that right here," added Wufei.
"Boys don’t wear bikinis!" grumbled Duo. "Much less blue mesh ones."
"But... it has to be blue," Quatre said. He was blushing of course. "The filaments are woven to catch that specific wavelength..."
Duo swung around and jabbed at the screen. "It goes on to give the exact specifications of Heero’s anatomy!"
"A better fit," commented Trowa.
"Hn," said Heero.
The mission plan was simple. Infiltrate Treize’s facility, grab the device, get out. The intercepted plans for another Romefeller attack raised the stakes a little, but the modified mission wasn’t that much different. Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei would take on the mobile dolls so Duo and Heero could pull off the theft, unnoticed in the thick of battle. Heero argued that Wing Zero was better suited to take on the dolls. Duo objected.
"He designed it for you. It may not even fit me!"
Heero glared. "What are you suggesting?"
"Guys," Quatre interjected. "Contained in those bikini briefs is an incredible amount of power. We must do what we can to keep Romefeller or any other factions from getting their hands on them!"
Wufei snorted. It sounded suspiciously like a giggle. Even Trowa held back a smile.
From then on, they referred to the device as ‘B.M.B.B.’ Duo and Trowa pronounced it "Bimbo."
In the first few minutes everything went as planned. Then Zechs Merquise showed up.
Duo was in the middle of pulling down Heero’s shorts when they got the call from Wufei. "What does he want?" The braided pilot whispered fiercely.
"What do you think?" Wufei screamed a battle cry as he crushed some Leos. "A rematch with Yuy."
"Huh," said Heero.
"Then take off your shoes, Heero. Well, tell him he’s busy right now."
Quatre answered. "He doesn’t sound like he’ll take ‘no’ for an answer."
"Uh," said Heero.
"That’s cause it’s backwards. Bend over and turn it around yourself. Where the hell did he come from, anyway? We tapped into the radar data."
"Actually, he came out of your building. Our jamming programs worked better than expected; they don’t even know you’re there."
"Hn," said Heero.
"Wiggle around till it slides into the crack. Well, his loss. The Lightning Count will just have to wait."
"Hm," said Heero.
"Yeah, that’s a tight fit. Let me straighten that out."
Trowa grunted as he maneuvered Heavyarms. "Look, guys, we can handle mobile dolls, we can handle Zechs, but we can’t do both at once."
"Uhn," said Heero.
"Get your hand out of there. I’ll do it. Okay, okay, we’re going as fast as we can, guys!"
"Hmm," said Heero.
"Damn it, not now, koi. It’s so flimsy, you just might rip it down the middle. Besides, Zechs wants a piece of your ass."
"Hn," said Heero.
Despite the Lightning Count’s skill, Heero noticed that Zechs’s reaction time was significantly slower. He also noticed that his own reaction time had stepped up. It was probably the underwear upgrade.
"Oi, Heero, are you all right? Zero system hasn’t gotten to you, has it?" Deathscythe sliced through a couple of suits.
"Huhn," said Heero. "It just feels weird," he added.
Duo smirked. "No wonder you wear spandex. Bet Dr. J would’ve tried mesh underwear earlier, if he’d known--"
"Maxwell!" It was Zechs. "I heard that! You’ve got the temporal device!" With that, he managed to score a hit on Wing Zero. The gundam went down. Its beam saber flared to life, ready to defend.
"Good job, Maxwell," snarled Wufei. He and the other mobile suits rushed to the scene.
"I’m impressed, Heero Yuy." It was Treize. His cultured voice was coming from... Zechs’s cockpit. Duo did some quick calculations on the dimensions of the Tallgeese cockpit and whistled. "You could have just asked for it. Now..." his voice was cut off by a round of swearing. "Now I’ll have to deal with your lack of faith in the true warriors’ way."
"Huh?" The gundam pilots said in unison.
"Push the button, Zechs! Or should I say, Milliardo!"
"No, not the self-destruct, the other button!"
And with that, the time and space spiraled around Heero Yuy’s crotch.
Touma wrapped the towel tighter around him. Too many damn insects at this evening hour. He dangled a foot in the lake water. Hopefully Seiji would come out and play; the swordsman had been a little annoyed at his blue-haired lover.
"All right, plenty annoyed," groused Touma. "I shouldn’t have talked him into that Gundam Wing marathon. Or babbled constantly about Duo. Or tried to fix his hair into Lady Une’s style. Or asked him to ‘dock the shuttle.’ As though ‘fuck me hard’ is so original."
The night was sweltering. The archer decided to slip into the lake while he was waiting. "How long can he meditate, anyway? Geez."
The moonlit water lapped around Touma’s lean frame as he floated. Lazily he splashed water over his toned abs. He was actually pretty good at swimming, but he kept getting teased about that one time he’d inhaled a lungful of water. And it had been Ryo’s fault, anyway, if he hadn’t bitten down so hard...
There was a strange flash in the sky. Touma gasped as his forehead kanji flared. A high-pitched scream filled the air, like a very large object plummeting to the ground. Suddenly the dark silhouette of giant wings obscured the moon. Touma’s eyes widened.
Before he could swim back to the dock, there was an explosive splash from across the lake. The impact sent white-crested waves towards Touma. He swallowed some water since his jaw was hanging open.
"No. No way. It can’t be." Touma waited for several minutes. After a while he stopped hyperventilating. He was ready to dismiss it as a product of a brilliant yet overactive imagination, but then there was a twin flash of green. A blinding light filled the night as a bright crescent rose out of the water. The light from the scythe bounced off the black bat-like wings.
"Oh shit." Touma made for the dock. He scrambled up just as rockets roared to life.
Before he could get to his feet, he felt the heat from the exhausts, the moonlight obscured by a giant Deathscythe-shaped shadow. He broke into a run.
"IT’S A GUNDAAAAAAAAM!"
Duo looked up from wringing out his pants. "Deathscythe, stop." The gundam halted. He zoomed in on the scrawny guy running away from his mobile suit. Water was streaming off his pale ass. Duo chuckled, zooming back out till he could see where the guy was headed. There was a mansion at the top of the hill.
It seemed like a good place to start looking for the others. The vortex had been powerful enough to separate Duo from his gundam and all his clothes. He hoped the others still had all their molecules.
"Shit, I hope Heero still has a dick."
Trowa leaped to the next tree. He was well aware that he was stark naked, and missing his gundam, but the white flash he’d seen was too intriguing.
He executed a perfect triple somersault and landed in front of the white tiger. The beast, startled, nipped at him, but Trowa leaped back. Then it took a giant sniff. Its--no, his brown eyes roved up and down, then gave him an editorial growl.
"Who asked you?" Trowa said, smiling. He scratched the tiger’s ears. "You don’t happen to know where I can get some clothes, do you?"
If he didn’t know any better, the big cat raised his eyebrows. He motioned with his neck. "You want me to get on your back?"
The tiger flicked his tail impatiently. Carefully Trowa mounted the massive back. He shifted a bit. The muscular shoulders shivered in response.
"I do not have a bony ass!"
Byakuen only purred in amusement. Then he took off towards the mansion.
"I wish those two would hurry back. The meat’s almost ready, and if they don’t come soon, it’ll get cold."
Shuu made a grab for some stir fry, but Shin rapped his knuckles with the ladle. "Ow! Why don’t you stop worrying, huh?" Denied a bite of food, Shuu tried for the auburn-haired man’s neck.
Shin shook him off, and grabbed some oven mitts. "You’re not the one who has to cook three different dishes with three different cooking times! And you’re not the one who gets bitched at when dinner’s cold!"
The larger Trooper sighed. Mama Shin was having PMS again.
Shin sighed, taking in the expression on his lover’s face. "It’s not that I don’t like cooking for all of you. I just wish someone would help me, once in a while. Someone who knows what he’s doing."
As though in answer, just outside the window there was a yelp and breaking branches. Shin caught a blur of blond hair as someone fell out of the sky.
The other suits landed not soon after. The crunch of snapping trees and boom of gundanium hitting the ground alerted the Troopers that something was wrong just moments before a naked and confused Quatre and a naked and hysterical Touma made it to the house.
Duo jumped out of Deathscythe just as Trowa arrived on Byakuen. "I saw Quatre fall out of a tree behind this place," he said. "I think Wing Zero’s to the northwest, and Sandrock’s to the south. That’s all I could make out. Deathscythe’s a little waterlogged."
Trowa nodded, absently petting the tiger. Taking advantage of Quatre’s absence, Duo’s gaze roved up and down the tall pilot’s body. "So that leaves Heero and Wufei," said Trowa.
In his usual spot in the forest, Seiji was jolted out of a deep meditative state by the impacts. He leaped up. Flipping back his blond hair, he listened to the forest for a moment. Then he got up to return to the mansion.
He stopped short. "Come out. I sense you," he said, hand on his armor orb.
Chang Wufei stepped out of the shadows. They stared at each other. Their gazes were intense. Perhaps they understood the strong spirit emanating from each other, the devotion to duty, the mental balance that only a warrior could attain.
Then, in a moment of weakness, Seiji’s eyes flicked down.
Wufei’s stare turned into a glower. Seiji had just made an enemy.
"You’re being ridiculous, Touma!" Shin said nervously. "This young man’s just had an accident..."
"You don’t understand, Shin, that--" Touma pointed at the blond boy, who was being patched up by Shuu "--is Quatre Raberba Winner, pilot of Sandrock!"
Quatre’s eyebrows rose, but Shin wasn’t looking at him. "Touma, that’s just a silly show! Now would you put some clothes on?"
A lithe boy in black jeans and nothing else burst through the door. Touma remembered to cover himself, then. "You...!"
"Q! You’re okay! I saw you take the plunge." Duo turned his attention to the others. "Hey, you have any extra clothes? Trowa’s out there freezing to death. Oh, my name’s Duo, Duo Maxwell. Say, have you seen our other friends?"
Touma gulped. For a moment the sight of Duo’s bare chest stopped him cold. "Uh, Wufei’s out with Seiji. He just told me."
Duo stared at the blue-haired boy. "What? How did you--?"
Suddenly Duo was knocked off his feet as a ton of tiger bounded past him with an angry roar. At the same moment, Ryo, in subarmor, was thrown off the second floor landing. Byakuen leaped and caught Rekka on his back. "What the hell?!" Ryo was screaming. "Are you fuckin’ crazy, dude?"
Everyone looked up.
Heero had managed to land next to his firearm, which he was pointing at the dark-haired Trooper. He’d also managed to procure some clothing. He was wearing a tight black leather catsuit. All parts were indeed accounted for.
A pregnant moment passed.
Duo wiped drool off his lips, and wolf-whistled. "The answer to that is ‘yes.’ "
Trowa entered behind Duo. "Do you have it?" He said sharply, ignoring Ryo’s blatant inspection of his nude body.
His aim not wavering, Heero shook his head.
Duo slapped his forehead. "You lost the Bimbo?!!"
"Seiji’s outside," Touma murmured. Shin whapped his butt with a dishtowel.
The rest of the evening was spent recovering the other gundams.
"I can’t believe they made a television show out of us," Quatre said, as they covered up Wing Zero.
Duo winked. "You kidding? A pretty boy like you?"
Trowa had his back to him, but his spine suddenly became rigid. Duo shut up.
When they were out of earshot of the Troopers, Trowa took them aside. "It’s not that impossible; these guys were on an old show in our universe."
Trowa quickly explained the premise of the Samurai Troopers. "That explains the armor," said Duo.
"Where did you ever see this show, Trowa?" asked Quatre.
Trowa glanced over at the clearing, where Shin and Shuu were arguing again. "I didn’t, actually. The annual Clowns’ Ball did a drag show based on them. They’re a bunch of flakes."
The five gundam pilots surveyed the Troopers. "Hn," said Heero. On that note, they went back to work.
The tall pilot turned to face his blond lover.
Quatre was stuck on the thought of the Clowns’ Ball. He took a moment to work out how best to ask... "Is that why you hate Sailor Moon so much?"
Trowa’s spine went rigid.
Quatre vowed never to mention the Moon Spiral Heart Rod again.
They had a late dinner. Shin apologized profusely for the temperature of the food; every time, Quatre complimented his cooking. Touma was beside himself. He asked as many questions as he could think of. Duo soon found he could shut him up with a grin and a sultry, "That’s confidential information."
Normally the other Troopers would have bound and gagged Touma by now. Literally. However, his incessant babbling took their attention off the freaky staring contest going on between Seiji and Wufei. At one point Seiji passed a steaming bowl of soup across the table without taking his ice-blue gaze off the Chinese pilot. Even when it splashed and nearly scalded Shin.
Heero, out of the distracting catsuit, and in slightly less distracting tight blue jeans, grumbled and grunted his way through dinner. He didn’t voice his opinions till all five were alone, which wasn’t till Quatre returned from helping Shin in the kitchen.
"We were diverted by searching for the gundams," he whispered angrily. They were in the attic, where Heero had appeared. "It probably wasn’t outside, it was probably in here."
At that moment, water rushed through the pipes of the house. There was a low rumble of a washer starting up.
They looked at each other. "Oh shit," said Duo.
"Oh, I wasn’t thinking," murmured Quatre. "Shin started the laundry right when we left."
"Hopefully Bimbo was designed to be machine washable," said Trowa.
"Maybe it’s in one of their bureaus?" said Quatre.
Wufei shook his head. "Are you saying it would just appear in someone’s underwear drawer? Do you know the chances of that?"
"Do you know the chances of a piece of clothing staying on the floor with Shin around?"
Wufei shrugged, accepting defeat.
"Crap. Okay, we search through all their clothes till we find it," said Duo.
"That should be easy," said Quatre.
It was a sleepless night. They assembled again at 0300 to report. "Damn, I thought they’d never stop fucking!"
"No kidding." Trowa edged closer to Quatre, the last image still engraved in his mind’s eye. It was awfully hot in the attic.
"We’ve searched everywhere! I don’t think it’s in the house." Quatre sighed. "There may be a way to use it to go back to our own universe. But if it’s damaged, it may be impossible to fix it in this universe."
"It could be outside," Duo said doubtfully.
"No, one of them has to be wearing it," Heero said.
Wufei snorted. "I don’t think they were wearing very much."
"We might have missed it in the dark," Trowa said. "We should continue our search of the grounds, but I say we... infiltrate."
They looked at each other. By tacit agreement, the targets were assigned.
Duo twirled his braid. "A bunch of flakes, huh?"
"Mission accepted," said Heero.
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